Inevitable
by Frumpy
Summary: Grissom has to make a choice in a tense situation. GS, WIP.
1. Default Chapter

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T, mostly for language, I guess the f-word kinda slipped in here and there, heh  
**Spoilers**: None really, just general stuff up to currently aired eps.

**A/N**: The way the finale could have looked like IMHO based on a lof of anvils we've been getting this season. I guess QT disagreed ;)

* * *

Chapter 1:

He couldn't really pinpoint when it had all gone so horribly wrong. There wasn't a single, distinct moment he could pick and beat himself up over not seeing it for what it was right away. No. No such comfort.

There wasn't a single moment. There was a multitude of them – subtle hints, little signs that something was off, which he had either ignored or chalked up to other things. They had all seemed isolated little incidents, each dealt with at the time. Only now in retrospect he saw that none of them had been truly dealt with. They all made sense now seen as a whole. Not the root of the problem, but symptoms of it. Escalating. Like cancer – one building upon the other and festering until it was impossible to not notice it. But that moment of realization also meant that it was too late. Way too late, and making things look inevitable in a way.

And all of that had led to this. Sara. Sean. Him. And three guns in three clammy and cramping hands.

Grissom could feel the hard grip of his gun digging into his palm from the force with which he was holding it. He could feel the muscles in his right arm beginning to cramp and burn, cold sweat breaking out over his back, slowly trickling down his spine and pooling in the small of his back. But he was surprised at how steady he was holding the gun – no shaking or wavering. Steady, steady. Training and muscle memory taking over.

If there weren't a gun pointed at his head, he would have laughed about the absurdity of this moment. Stuff like this only happened in movies. It didn't happen to Gil Grissom. This was insane.

The laugh died in his parched throat the moment Sean clicked the safety off his gun.

"The last time, Grissom. Drop your fucking gun!"

'_Steady, steady.'_

It was quite the conundrum they were in – Grissom and Sara both pointing their guns at Sean, and Sean pointing his at Grissom's head. Which, in Grissom's eyes, was preferrable to it being pointed at Sara's head, which it had been before he had stormed into the room earlier fearing the worst and seeing it happening in front of his eyes. At least his stupidly heroic act had caused Sean to falter for a moment and then swing the gun in his direction. And it had given Sara the chance to get hers out and get her out of the line of fire. Grissom, selfless hero. What a joke.

"You try anything, I shoot you, scumbag!"

Grissom heard the tenseness in Sara's voice. And something else. Fear. Unmistakable. For her, for him, for what might happen. It wasn't like he doubted her, but that same fear crept up his spine taking up residence in the back of his skull. No, he trusted her. With his life.

Not like he wanted to shoot someone any more than she did. He sure didn't. Taking a life was not something Grissom had ever tried to truly grapple with. Sure. He knew about the dangers of the job. God knows he'd foolishly put himself into some hairy situations before. And that one time with Nick, years ago… There was no doubt that he would have shot Amy Hendler. But he hadn't needed to. And it was only afterwards, when he was alone in the safety of his townhouse, when the gravity of that event had sunken in and the shaking had started.

After that he'd stopped carrying his sidearm on himself, and instead had it in his kit. Out of sight truly was out of mind, and did it ever work wonders.

He must have looked like a crazed lunatic when he had scrambled to get his kit open earlier, grabbing the gun and running towards the dilapidated house where he just knew Sara was after seeing her car. Had scared seven kinds of shit out of him, but run here he did, gun at his side.

A regular Travis Bickle, huh? Another image he'd never thought he'd have of himself.

"Put your gun down, Sean. You're outnumbered, there's no point." Yes, try reasoning. That's a Grissom thing to do. Only it hadn't worked before, and it wouldn't now.

And Sean Edwards curled his lip upwards in that sinister way of his that made the hairs on Grissom's arms stand up and his stomach clench, and he knew reasoning was of no use. Sean took a defiant step towards Grissom, gun pointing directly between Grissom's eyes. Steady, way too steady.

He could smell the acrid smell of fear and sweat and gun cleanser. And Grissom knew he'd smell it for many nights to come.

The gun in front of him jerked slightly. "So what. I'll know I took one of you with me."

"You put your gun down, and no one will die." Sara. More assured and hopeful now – all the things Grissom was supposed to feel but didn't. His gazed flickered to her for a moment before settling back on Sean.

"No matter what, Edwards, one of us will shoot you."

'_No matter what'_. God, he sounded like one of those fucking heroes out of those horrible action flicks Nicky seemed to be so fond of. Always coolly staring death in its ugly eyes. Grissom was cool, the epitome of cool. Only try to rationalize away a gun pointed at your own head, Gris.

He caught an almost disturbed look in Sara's wide eyes at what he had said, but quickly focused on Sean's too calm eyes again. There was no doubt how this would end. So now the only question left was him or Sara.

'_Murder gene,'_ her broken voice whispered in the back of his mind. Not too long ago actually, but everything felt so incredibly far away just now.

'_Loose cannon with a gun,'_ another voice taunted him.

No. There was no question after all. He'd have to prove both of them wrong. For whom, he wasn't sure.

Deep breath. Calm. Focused. He'd never had trouble focusing, good at tuning everything out, and now he shifted that terrible focus of his to this moment. And it was like Sean and maybe Sara felt it somehow, like some barely tangible shift in the universe was taking place. Because he heard Sara gasp, and the last thing he saw in Sean's eyes was fear. Pure and primal and burned into his brain forever.

**xxxxxxxx**

The moment Sara caught Grissom's look, she knew he'd made the decision for both of them. And for a fleeting, guilt-laden moment she felt sweet relief flooding her system. But all that was forgotten when she saw Grissom move suddenly. He could move spookily fast when he wanted to, she realized in an almost deatched way. Funny the way the mind tends to focus on little things at moments like that.

Sean must have anticipated it, though, because his gun tried to follow Grissom, forming an arc downwards. But he pulled the trigger too fast and didn't see the slight twist Grissom gave his fall, so the bullet only grazed his target.

In an eerily calm manner, Grissom fired two shots and Sean soundlessly crumbled in on himself, dead before he hit the gound. Sara had always figured Grissom for a rager, so the detached and calm manner in which he fired the shots somehow made it only worse.

And then the ensuing silence was so deafening, she couldn't hear her own heart hammering in her chest. She only felt the pounding in her head and her arm starting to shake. Shock or relief, she didn't know, but she let the gun slip from her grip slowly. The clattering noise penetrated the swirling fog in her mind, and her eyes snapped to Grissom.

Calm, way too calm even for him. He still hadn't moved. Gun still in hand, he was half lying on the floor, a distant, utterly and terribly calm expression on his face, like something had changed irrevocably and he had accepted it a lifetime ago. He winced as he moved his arm down, the blood beginning to seep into his shirt from where the bullet had grazed his shoulder. And it was this all too human gesture that finally propelled Sara forward and towards him.

"Grissom." She was surprised her voice sounded so normal after all.

Shaking his head, he looked away. "It's okay."

But nothing was okay. Not his shoulder, not what had happened, nothing.

Sara nodded silently and started to walk towards the door to get her cell phone from her car outside. "I'll call an ambulance." She turned halfway on her way through the room when she heard him call her name in a small voice.

"I'm sorry, Sara."

**xxxxxxxx**

She stared after the ambulance speeding down the street. No sirens. Sara felt cheated in a way, like they deserved at least sirens, but then shook her head at her own inane thoughts.

Brass had gotten here first. Good old, dependable Brass. They'd be lost without him. She ought to tell him that more often. But then there were a lot of things she ought to do.

He only needed one look at her and Grissom, and at Grissom sitting wordlessly next to Sean's body lying in a growing pool of his blood on the ground, almost as if he were holding vigil. One look and Brass knew not to speak just then.

The ambulance was next, and Grissom let the EMTs lift him up and walk him to the ambulance. He wasn't in shock nor resigned in any way, but lost, oh so lost that it hurt to look into his eyes. So instead she had stayed and collected and bagged his gun. After all, that was her job.

The wound was only superficial but bleeding steadily, so they had taken him to the hospital.

With no sirens.

And this time Sara didn't chide herself for her thoughts. It was easier that way.

* * *

TBC 


	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T, mostly for language  
**Spoilers**: None really, just general stuff up to currently aired eps. The rest is pure speculation.

**A/N**: Thank you so much for the reviews!

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Chapter: 2

"Want to tell me what happened?"

Sara looked up from the swirling brown liquid in the cup in front of her. Swirling, swirling, never stopping. About the same as her mind felt now. Trying to gatherher thoughts to answer Brass, she shrugged almost imperceptibly.

"It was a stand-off. It was him or one of us. Grissom… we had no choice." She dropped her gaze again. Brass wasn't stupid after all, but no one could fault her for trying.

Brass cleared his throat. "So much I gathered." Sitting down in front of her, he let out a world weary sigh. "Let's rewind a little, what…"

"I screwed up, okay? Is that what you want to hear?" Sara pushed the by now tepid coffee to the side, feeling too sick to even think about drinking anything.

"What I want and what I need to hear are two different things." He rubbed his temples, tired beyond belief and looking incredibly old and infinitely sad. "Look, off the record. There won't be a question as to whether the shooting was righteous or not. However, there will most likely be an inquiry into what led to that situation. Frankly… I have a bad feeling about this. So tell me what led to this and… we shall see."

Sara regarded him for a moment then slumped in her seat. She knew already. Deep down she was blaming herself ever since Grissom had stepped into the room, gun drawn, man on a mission. But saying it out loud was like making it into a truth, something tangible.

"We were working the rape case from yesterday. Grissom and me, that is. The…" she drew a hand over her forehead, then schooled her features into something approximating a neutral expression again. Trying to stay unaffacted by recalling everything, she launched into a quick description of the events."The girl that got abducted on her way from school and then found raped on the side of the street. We got some foreign DNA from the rape kit, and Grissom interrogated that creep – Sean Edwards."

She drew into herself for a moment, remembering the interrogation and the utterly quiet and detached way in which Grissom had conducted it. Cold. She had never seen him that cold before, voice as brittle as rotten ice, eyes almost dead. She knew rapes involving minors were a hot button issue with him, but he had been this close to taking the guy apart in front of everyone. He had seemed driven in a way, but not in the quietly sad manner he used to have around such cases. More like a cold, simmering rage. Controlled, but still scary to see in Grissom.

"Edwards had been charged for assault on a minor before some months ago, but was let go back then. He fit the description one of the victim's... one of Clara's teachers gave of the abductor. But we couldn't compell a DNA sample - judge wouldn't issue a warrant. Not enough evidence."

Sara could see Grissom walking stiffly out of the interrogation, watching Edwards leave the room and smile at Grissom in that stomach churning lip curling kind of smile he had. What was worse was to see the smile returned from Grissom, like they both recognized something in each other. Sara didn't even want to contemplate what.

Shaking her head, she looked at Brass again. "We worked through the day, neither of us able to go home, get away from it, so we didn't even try. Then the call from the hospital and that Clara had remembered where she had been taken."

Brass flipped open the notebook. "246Clydesdale Street."

"Yes. She remembered it because it was close to where a friend of hers lived." Sara started toying with the coffee cup again, getting the liquid to twirl once more by twisting it slowly, gently.

"And you told Grissom about this… when?"

"I didn't." She swallowed. "Look, he was in a meeting with the Sheriff. I couldn't call him there, and I didn't want to lose time. I was hoping the bastard had left something of himself behind, the evidence was time sensitive."

"Makes sense." Brass scribbled something in his pad. "And you called for police back-up… around the time you didn't call Grissom?"

"I didn't call."

Brass had known, of course. He nodded. "It didn't even cross your mind, did it?"

Sara shook her head softly, not looking at him, instead watching the coffee's twirl dying slowly, steadily.

"Okay." He shot her an apologetic look. "Okay… I have to place you on unpaid leave for right now. You didn't follow procedure, not only endangering yourself, but another CSI and a possibly innocent…"

"He wouldn't have been there if he hadn't done it, Jim! I needed to find..."

"And a _possibly_ innocent citizen." His voice rose steadily. "The evidence will tell the story. Your actions resulted in a fellow CSI having to shoot that citizen, now facing a hearing and enquiry into whether it was a righteous shoot or not. No way can I keep you working right now." Brass closed the pad he had been writing on, the gesture ending the official part of this.

'_Not sure what's worse'_, Sara thought.

"It's okay, Brass. I understand. Only doing your job."

Brass regarded her for a while, her nervous toying with the cup in front of her, the slumped shoulders, shifty eyes. "Listen – I have no choice here. Sara." He waited till she looked at him. "This is serious. You screwed up. Big time. No way around that."

"I know that, Jim."

"Why?"

"It just happened. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to nail the guy for what he'd done." She pushed the cup away and stood up. "Are we done?"

"We are." He got up and walked around the table, wanting to touch her, hug her, something to show her that he was there for her and didn't blame her, not much at least, but who was he kidding. But she inched away from him, and he just nodded quietly. "Go home, Sara. This is gonna be messy."

"Yeah." She shot him a terse smile. "Thank you."

**xxxxxxxx**

Grissom walked up the steps to his house slowly, like in a daze. An officer had dropped him off, and he would be picked up the next day for the hearing. The department sure didn't waste any time if it could look potentially bad for the bigwigs. At the same time, it felt strangely anticlimactic in a way. Like he had just banged his shoulder on the job and not like nearly having a bullet rip through it. Or worse -seeing Sara get shot. By a guy he had shot in return. Same shit, different day, huh? But then, that suited him just fine, didn't it?

For once though, he knew that was wishuful thinking to an extent. For all the calmness and control he presented to the outside world, he knew it would haunt him. It would come at unbidden moments – middle of the night, entering some room, watching Sara work. He could deal with the first ones, he had to an extent for all his life, but the last image made his stomach clench.

Not like he blamed her. Never. Yeah, it was majorly stupid on her part, but who was he to say so. He'd done his share of careless and stupid things. He didn't blame her for what he had to do, either. That was his choice. Logically – he was in the better position anyway, since the gun was trained on him. And overall, well, he didn't want 'this' hanging over Sara's head, too. No, no blame.

Only for himself. For not having seen this sooner, for not seeing the clues that were so obviously in front of him all this time. Had he been so sure of himself and that a little hand-holding would truly fix things? He had made the effort after all, right? More than he could have said about him in previous instances. Hell of a lot of good it had done both of them. And in the end, his obliviousness or his blatant disregard for everything had brought them into that situation.

Grissom shook his head disgustedly and pushed open the door, stepping into the cool interior of his townhouse. Maybe the sparse and organised feel of the place could quieten down everything.

He saw there were 5 messages on his answering machine when he passed the phone in the living room, but it failed to rouse his interest. He just filed the information away to retrieve it later. Shower… he needed a good long shower.

Not like he could scrub away the guilt, though.

* * *

TBC. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T, mostly for language, I guess the f-word kinda slipped in here and there, heh  
**Spoilers**: None really, just general stuff up to currently aired eps.

**A/N**: Thank you so much to **Grissom** for being a great beta! Any remaining mistakes are mine. And as always, thank you for the reviews. Greatly appreciated!

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Chapter 3:

_It was a strange sensation - as though he were part of what was happening, but at the same time looking in on it from the outside, watching events unfold and being totally powerless. The resulting feeling of disorientation was disconcerting; being everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Grissom didn't know where he was. Let alone who._

_Everything played before his eyes in slow motion as if the images that had burned themselves into his brain forever weren't enough. As if his fucked up subconscious wanted to make sure he would remember every small and cruel detail. Not that he'd forget anyway - his cruelly calculating mind would make sure of that._

_Fear._

_Pure, primal, palapable. All around him and flashing at him from Sean's and Sara's eyes the moment they realized what he was about to do. The quick flash of terror in Sean's eyes when he realized that his bullet would miss Grissom was worse. But it was nothing compared to that tiny flicker of helpless resignation, when the mind shut down and age-old instincts knew what was to come. That moment of acceptance of the inevitable death._

_Grissom recognized that last flicker of calm acceptance in Edwards, for it mirrored his own. Only he hadn't died. Not really._

_His mind's picture of the bullets ripping through Edwards were slowed down so grotesquely it seemed almost comical, but his thoughts were racing all the faster, as if to compensate for his mind's messed up speed. He watched the life seep out of Edwards, thinking that with all the blood he's seen in his life, he had never grasped the true essence of life it was carrying. And it was slipping away now, because of him._

_The gun clattered to the ground slowly, sounds muffled and disturbed as if coming from far away. A lifetime away. And then her eyes burning into his. Opened wide and full of shock and something that looked almost like awe. But slowly it all gave way to a look of utter disgust on her face. It jumped out at him and Grissom had to close his eyes. It felt like it punched him so hard into his gut that his breath was knocked out of his lungs and something was shredded to pieces forever._

_Doubling over as if in pain, he gasped in shock at the sticky hot hand that grasped his wrist, crushing the skin, grinding muscles and bones together. Grissom's eyes snapped open again, trained onto the searing, blood-smeared fingerprints that felt as if they were burning into his pale skin forever. _

_Slowly, Edward's sick grin spread over the deathly pale face, a cold, triumphant glint in his eyes because he knew..._

_Grissom recoiled from the knowing look, but the grin turned into that lip-curling grimace that made Grissom want to throw up as that same knowledge slammed into him unrelenting. Sean's grip on Grissom's wrist was slackening as cold realization left him feeling drained and numb._

_Desperately looking away, he searched for something, anything to hold onto, something to steady him and let him regain his solid footing again. But the last thing he saw was the blood on his hands and the image of Sara turning away, disgusted with what she saw clearly for the first time now when looking at him._

_Edwards had known he wasn't the only one dying. And he knew that in the end, he had won after all._

**xxxxxxxx**

That last image of Sara turning away lingered behind as if refusing to go away as Grissom woke up slowly. Closing his eyes again, he willed the image to go away, or at least hide somewhere in the back of his skull with the rest of the things he refused to let surface. Counting, he consciously tried to get his breathing and heartbeat to calm down again. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep again, but he refused to let the demons in his mind take over. He needed to control them. He always had. Grissom knew he couldn't overcome his demons, ever. But he could face them day, after day, after day, and just keep going. That's all there was.

Grissom swallowed and grimaced at the gritty feel in his mouth and thoat. _Shit_.

With an angry jerk he flipped the covers to the side and sat up. The cool air from the air conditioning hit his warm skin and he shivered slightly from the chill. Running his hand through his hair, he let his head hang as he felt the first faint pounding behind his eyes that was a surefire sign of an impending headache. What a start to the day.

Grissom got up and pulled an old and well-worn sweater from the bottom of a drawer in his wardrobe to ward off the morning chill. Burrowing further into the soft comfort it provided, he slowly made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water.

He had just stopped the tap and was about to to take a sip of the water, when he felt a hand land on his shoulder. The touch was soft, but it made Grissom jump, leaping away startled. He flinched again at the sound of breaking glass and the sensation of cold water hitting his naked feet.

"Geez, Gil! Overreaction."

He gulped a panicked breath and turned around to see Catherine standing in his kitchen, right arm still raised from where she had touched his shoulder. The startled look on her face probaly matched his own.

"Catherine?" His voice scratched in his dry throat. "What the...?"

She finally dropped her arm at his rough voice and frowned at him. "Good God, Gil. You just took about ten years off my life."

"Am I supposed to be sorry here?" Grissom would probably regret it later on that he'd lost his cool when she was probably only here to help him. But the momentary panic he had actually felt at the unexpected touch angered him, and it had only served to intensify the insistent pounding in his skull. Wearily running the back of his hand over his forehead, he closed his eyes. "Shit."

"Headache?"

He nodded numbly and kept silent.

Catherine crouched down and began to pick up the shards of the dropped glass, deciding to ignore Grissom's foul mood for now. She knew from experience he only let it show when feeling exposed or vulnerable, and also knew not to push if she didn't want him to shut down completely. Or any more than already.

The sound of softly clinking glass made Grissom swallow his anger and look around, blinking away the pressure behind his eyes. "How... What are you doing here?"

"You didn't answer your calls. " Shooting an almost accusing glance at his answering machine and then him, she continued. "Brass called. We know what happened." She scrunched her eyes, looking for a sing.. anything really in his face, but he seemd to have himself under control again. The momentary flash of terror was gone from his cool blue eyes. "We were worried, you know?"

Grissom took this info in without any outward sign of emotion. "The spare key." He saw Catherine frown and motioned towards the general direction of his front door. "I had forgotten I gave you one."

"Never needed it before." She got up and placed the bigger glass shards to the side. "You seemed to be sleeping soundly, so I didn't want to wake you to see if you're okay." Catherine thought she caught a haunted look in his eyes, but it was gone too quickly for her to be sure.

"I'm fine."

She regarded him for a moment and then just nodded softly. "Of course you are." Walking into the living room, she picked up her purse. "Warrick's over at Sara's."

Grissom's head snapped up at the mention of Sara's name, but Catherine's cooly asserting gaze made him school his features and pretend to be only mildy interested, trying to keep his voice even. "Good."

"She's fine too, you know? Of course she is." Catherine looked as if she wanted to say more, but then only shook her head slowly. "You know where to find me." With that she stepped out through the door and let it shut behind her with an audible click, as if a statement in itself.

Somewhere in his mind Grissom knew what she was trying to do with her apparently nonchalant demeanor. Usually he'd brush her not so subtle attempts at drawing him out off, or he'd simply get annoyed at her till she let off. But that scare a few moments ago seemed to have sapped him of all strength and he plain didn't care one way or another. There were a lot of things he couldn't rouse himself to care about right now. Except for one. And it was up to him to fix that later on.

* * *

TBC. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: None really, just general stuff up to currently aired eps.

**A/N:** As always, thank you so much for the reviews. Sorry for the long time it took me to update, but "Committed" has me way too excited just now.

* * *

Chapter 4:

The monring air felt crisp against her skin and her mind was blissfully blank as she only focused on the steady cadence of her feet hitting the pavement. Heart pounding, Sara let the slow burning spreading through her limbs take over. With each breath she sucked into her lungs, the world around her moved farther and farther away, until she was completely in the moment, to the exclusion of everything else.

The fresh air and anonymity of the city around her helped to soothe her mind. She had needed to get out and away from everything. Suffocating was not how she had ever considered her apartment before, but she had felt boxed-in. The usually cozy feel had turned into something unbearable, till she had to get away from it and Warrick sitting there, quietly overbearing in his presence. The run was doing it's work, overpowering everything else for a few moments of peaceful oblivion.

Warrick only meant well. Sara knew that. She had been on her fourth cup of tea before literally running away. Not because she particularly liked that brand of tea she kept brewing, but because it had been the most innocuous way of stalling. Okay, maybe not the most innocuous, but the least obvious. Which probably only made it all the more obvious to Warrick, who was sitting in her living room. He was an observant guy, even if he didn't let on to that very often, preferring to keep to himself most of the time. He probably had a ton of questions on the tip of his tongue, but once again he rather held them back instead of stating the obvious. Sara was grateful for that.

Seeing Warrick sit on her couch, she was struck by the similarity. Not too many weeks ago, someone else had been sitting in that same spot, stoically playing cards, waiting her out. Grissom had surprised her then. Yeah, she knew he was a patient man. Oh, was he ever patient. His patience probably was only matched by her own, though five years of it were beginning to wear her down. Same as Grissom's quiet and unwavering presence had worn her down that day. Warrick's more laid-back demeanor would not accomplish that, though. After all, what had her moment of weakness and her spilling her guts to Grissom accomplished? He hadn't pulled back as she had feared, but instead his newfound watchfulness around her had been mildly irritating. And her confession had probably only fuelled his need to take the responsibiliy away from her, ending in him shooting Sean. She never should have let her guard down like this, dammit.

At the same time, the differences between the situations were striking also. Despite all that had happened between her and Grissom in the past several years and the usual effect he had on her, that day she never felt as unsettled by his presence as she did by Warrick's. Grissom's steady air had actually felt soothing in that moment of raw desperation, once it had been clear that for once during their time in Vegas, he did not hide behind his usual veneer of professional interest.

Warrick's presence on the other hand, set her on edge. Maybe because the fact that he was there at all only served to stress the gravity of the situation. He would never be there otherwise. And if there was one thing Sara Sidle did not take well, it was pity. It had been written all over Warrick's face, making her cheeks burn as she opened the door for him.

Or maybe his inherent and easy coolness made her all the more aware of her own lacking calm right now. Even she couldn't find fault for that in herself, but no way in hell would she admit that. Usually Warrick quietened her down, but her nerves seemed to be too frayed for that just now, so it had the opposite effect. She was dead tired, yet at the same time she had wanted to run or sleep or pace or do nothing at all. All at the same time.

And Warrick's goddamn calm had made want to scream.

But she couldn't. She was fine, as she had repeatedly told him, knowing full well neither of them bought it.

That overtly soothing voice of his and the way he managed to emphasize the two syllables of her name in his unique manner and apparent effort to not be overbearing only belied the calm and unfazed exterior he had tried to project. Something in his tone and probing gaze spoke of the unease he felt and that he had tried to hide so much. Seeing the cracks in Warrick's facade had only facillitated the awareness she had of herself cracking, until she couldn't take it anymore.

Physical exertion had always worked for her to take her overactive mind off things and find her calm center. That calmness was still there, only hiding better. But she was getting there. Slowly.

Warrick would probably still be sitting in her living room when she came back, quietly sipping the tea he couldn't stand and pretending to watch tv. But then she didn't plan on returning too soon anyway.

Deep breaths. In, out. Her feet's steady rhythm in her ears, Sara tried to center herself, quietly running into the early morning.

**xxxxxxxx**

"I told you, she just went for a run."

Warrick was getting annoyed. Sara had left more than an hour ago, and now Catherine was calling him like he was incapable of looking after a friend who needed him. He knew damn well Sara was ill at ease with him at her place. She had never been comfortable with showing a weakness. But his concern had outweighed any other considerations at that moment.

"You let her out on her own, Warrick?"

"She just needed some time alone, Cath. This isn't easy."

"The last thing she needs is to be alone just now."

Catherine's motherly tone was grating on his nerves. "She is not alone in this, and she knows that." Knowing it was futile to try to argue with Catherine, he decided for a compromise. "If she's not back in half an hour, I'll go look for her." He could only imagine what would await him then, but he'd concern himself with that when the time came.

Apparently soothed by getting her way, Catherine sighed. "Okay. I didn't mean to criticize you. Things just... it's..."

"Things didn't go too well with Grissom, huh?"

"You need to ask?"

Warrick chuckled softly. "Yeah. Look, I'll keep you posted. If you need me for the shift tonight, you know where to reach me."

"Thanks War. Ecklie's gonna be all over this, like flies on shit." Catherine's tired yet confiding voice came over the line. That same strange intimacy she managed to create at work while still making sure people knew who was the boss, and that always made him unsure of where he stood. "Nick should cover what's coming in tonight."

"Okay. I'll see how things go here."

He disconnected the call and threw his cell on the sofa beside him in an annoyed gesture. What a start to the day. First learning about what had happened, and then an annoyed Sara, trying desperately to not let on how utterly devastated she was. He'd give her another 20 minutes.

Warrick checked his watch. Two more hours and Grissom would have to face the hearing committee investigating the shooting.

For the umpteenth time that day, Warrick asked himself when things had started to go so horribly wrong.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: Anything up to currently aired eps is fair game. Mention of "King Baby" and the new sheriff from "Hollywood Brass" (and there I liked Atwater...).

**A/N**: Again thank you for the great reviews!  
It's getting political... but bear with me, it'll pay off.

* * *

Chapter 5:

"You heard the safety being clicked off?"

Grissom was dead tired. The lack of sleep was catching up with him and he still felt the faint pounding of a migraine that refused to go away. The fact that Cole and his partner from IA were currently going over this particular part of his story for the third time didn't really help much either.

"Mr. Grissom, just to be clear on this. When you fired the shots, Sean Edwards had the safety of his gun off?"

It seemed like the two IA officers sitting in front of him were trying their damnedest to make him feel guilty. Grissom doubted anyone was as good at it as he himself. He sure didn't need any help in that department, thank you very much.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. I would not say so if I weren't." Grissom mentally shook off any irritation and tried to present an unaffected exterior. Common sense seemed to be a foreign concept to these two anyway. "Look, the gun has been collected as evidence. I'm sure it would speak loud and clear had you taken the time to look at it."

"Do you think Ms. Sidle could attest to the safety being clicked off, too?"

For some reason the way Cole pronounced Sara's name grated on Grissom's nerves and he had to suppress a flash of anger. "If she heard it, yes. I am sure."

His day had started bad enough with Catherine's visit. And the fact that he had reached for his phone no less than five times, but never managed to make the call hadn't improved his mood either. She probably didn't want to talk to him anyway. Plus, Warrick was there.

The final straw had been the newspaper on his front steps though. His gaze had caught the front page as he was following the police officer who was to bring him to this hearing. Grissom didn't even know where the press had dug up that picture of him, but it was the headline in bold print that stopped him short. The press was touting him as a hero now.

If taking a life made one into a hero, he'd met quite a few in his life. And he sure didn't feel like one right now. He had saved his life - and Sara's - but he couldn't really feel satisfaction in that fact. As if the act of saving it had simultaneously ruined it. On so many levels.

"Speaking of Ms. Sidle..."

A sharp pang of pain behind his right eye made Grissom snap out of his musings and focus on the bland-faced man before him, irritation building at Cole's smug tone.

"We understand she didn't call back-up."

"No."

"She will face the consequences of that, of course, but do you..."

"Sara cannot be held accountable for that." Grissom interrupted rudely, holding the astonished gaze of Cole. His shoulder began to throb like a faint tooth-ache.

"Ah, Mr. Grissom, I'm sure you are aware of the fact that an investigation about just that..."

"I don't care about that investigation. I want this on the record. You're looking for the person to blame for the shooting - he's sitting right here."

The young IA officer looked somewhat helplessly at his partner and then back at Grissom, clearly unsure about the fact that he was losing the upper hand in the hearing. "Sir, that's not part of this..."

"Then do not make allegations you cannot back up." The pounding in his skull was increasing proportionally to his aggravation and his shoulder hurt with every little move he made. He'd had enough. "I think this hearing is over."

"With all due respect..." Cole tried to get the situation back under his control, but was interrupted by the door of the interrogation room opening. Sheriff Ben Burdick stepped into the room and nodded at the two IA officers.

"Cole, Adams. Turn it off." He motioned towards the tape recorder on the table between them and Grissom.

"But, Sir."

"Turn it off. And leave." Burdick looked at Grissom as he waited for Cole and Adams to leave.

Adams regarded his partner for a moment, but then just shrugged. He got up and opened his briefcase to put everything away.

"Leave it."

Adams looked at the tape recorder in his hand. "Sir, it's against..."

"I'm taking over, my responsibility. Now leave."

Grissom felt almost sorry for them as he watched them walk out, whipped puppy-dog expressions on their faces. But in the end he couldn't really get himself to care. His increasing physical discomfort was getting to him, though he tried not to show it as he cocked his head to the side and guardedly watched the Sheriff sit down opposite him.

"I think you might want to retract that last statement, Gil."

Grissom stayed silent as he watched Burdick play with the tape recorder, an almost pained expression crossing his face. He had taken over from Sheriff Atwater some weeks ago, circumstances of it all rather shady, though no one seemed to know anything definitive.

"Look, Gil. There's no question this was a good shooting. A week or two and things will be back to normal for you."

The Sheriff couldn't have been farther from the truth, but Grissom wasn't sure what Burdick was trying to achieve with his little power play, so he continued to say nothing. It wasn't like Grissom was not able to play the political game. It was more a choice of not playing it most of the times. So let's wait him out.

"Don't make this any harder on you than necessary, Gil." Burdick's voice held a tinge of impatience by now.

"This isn't about me."

"Why are you making this about Sidle?"

No going back now. "I'm the one who has to be blamed for this mess. This didn't start with a forgotten phone call for back-up. It started long ago and would have been up to me to prevent. Obviously I didn't."

This time Grissom was sure he didn't just imagine the pained expression on the Sheriff's face.

"So you are saying Sidle's been a liability for a long time now?"

"Don't twist my words around." The pain in his shoulder was rivalling the one in his skull by now. "I'm saying I've been a bad..."

"Grissom!"

He fell silent at the almost warning tone and just looked at the Sheriff blankly. There was something more going on here, but he couldn't pinpoint it yet.

"Gil, I think there is no question about whose fault this really is."

Last-ditch effort by the Sheriff, but Grissom had made up his mind. "You fire Sara, you might as well fire me." Echoes of a similar situation came back to him. His decision had been the right one then, and it was the right one now.

Grissom could almost see the groan building up in Burdick, but nothing came out. "You have no idea in what kind of a position you are bringing me here."

"Obviously not."

Burdick looked at him for a moment. "You have a bad track record when it comes to politics. I think Conrad was wrong, though."

The mention of Ecklie's name did nothing to brighten Grissom's day, and his shoulder and increasing headache were beginning to get distracting. "What does Ecklie have to do with this?"

"Nothing." Burdick was apparently struggling with a decision, then leaned back in his chair. "Ever wonder why Atwater had to leave so suddenly?"

"Not particularly."

"You should." He played with the tape recorder again. "I'm sure the name Bruce Eiger rings a bell?" He didn't wait for confirmation, he knew the answer. "Let's just say the reasons for Atwater's departure touch you too, albeit tangentially."

Grissom frowned, his pain-addled brain refusing to work properly by now. "I don't know what you are driving at."

"I cannot have you leave. For various reasons."

"I'm open for suggestions."

Burdick pressed the rewind button on the tape recorder and let the tape rewind for a moment. The loud click of the stop button was the only sound in the room for a while until the Sheriff looked up at Grissom again.

"How about a compromise?"

* * *

TBC. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: Anything up to currently aired eps is fair game.

**A/N**: Sorry for the collective whu? moment about the last chapter. It'll be cleared up. And thanks again for the reviews!

* * *

Chapter 6:

Sara stepped into the cool interior of the lab full of trepidation. The place felt almost alien during the day. Labtechs she didn't know were bustling around, as if they had no concerns in the world besides their immediate tasks. She almost wished she had taken Warrick up on his earlier offer to drive her here after the call came in that her hearing had been rescheduled for today. But she had wanted the time alone during the drive to sort her thoughts and feelings as much as possible. Still, she could have used a familiar face just now.

The familiar face that stepped into the hallway in front of her made her retract that wish just as fast as it had crossed her mind.

"Ah, Sara."

The way he said her name always awakened the irrational urge to take a shower in Sara . "Ecklie."

Ever since their little spat that had resulted in her getting nearly fired, their interaction had been dominated by a forced courtesy. Ecklie usually avoided any non-case related talk around her. They were cordial at best. Yeah, that hadn't been her greatest moment back then, but dammit if it hadn't felt good.

She had expected to be fired then - especially when Grissom showed up at her place. How differently things had gone instead. Though the comfort she once felt at the fact that she could share her past with him had given way to guilt over having burdened him with that load. Maybe things with Edwards would have gone differently had she not...

"I was surprised to learn your hearing had been rescheduled for today when the Sheriff told me personally this morning."

Sara returned her attention to Ecklie. The fact that he was seeking her out this openly only strengthened her feeling that things wouldn't turn out so well this time. She did deserve it after all. She had tried to make her peace with the inevitable outcome of her actions during her run earlier, steeling herself for it on the drive here. As well as possible at least.

Ecklie kept going as if oblivious to her silence. "Yeah, well - IA sure moves fast at times. But I can understand in this particular case." He had the gall to try and put on a sad face. "Well, it was nice working with you."

Sara was glad he didn't offer her his hand. She wasn't sure what she might have done with it, though not for lack of ideas. Surely he didn't expect her to answer though. As much as she had tried to prepare herself for what was to come, his words had cut deep, as intended, but she wouldn't give him the pleasure of acknowledging it. Cordial, remember.

"Thank you, Ecklie." She waited till the ensuing silence reached a whole new level of uncomfortable.

Ecklie looked almost disappointed that she didn't jump at his taunting. "Ahm, unfortunately I have some matters to attend to, so..." He slunked away, probably on the lookout for a new victim. One good thing about gettig fired was that she wouldn't have to see him anymore.

Sara walked on heavily. It's just a job, not the end of the goddamn world. She could still get a job with other labs. And if she were honest with herself, it actually wouldn't be a bad thing to leave everything else behind.

Then why did she still feel like she was walking towards her own execution as she reached for the door to the interrogation room?

**xxxxxxxx**

Grissom stood stock-still. He felt the muscles in his back tense up soon as Sara stepped into the room. She had put on a brave face, but he could see it was only a mask. She had gotten entirely too good at that recently and he asked himself again how much of that was becauses of him. Maybe it was knowing the difference from when she had opened up towards him that made him notice it more acutely.

His tense back was making his shoulder throb dully again, though the meds were keeping his headache at bay. Sheriff Burdick stepping next to him in front of the two-way mirror separating this room from the interrogation room beyond was another kind headache alltogether.

"As we agreed, Grissom."

Grissom only saw Burdick's reflection in the glass on the edge of his vision, refusing to tear his gaze away from Sara sitting down in front of Adams. He nodded tersely as an answer, jaw muscles clenching, then focused on the proceedings in the interrogation room.

The voices were tinny through the small speaker, lending an almost surreal feel to it all, like watching a badly taped video, and Grissom almost lost sense of time as he watched the questioning quietly.

"Yes, I failed to call back-up. I got myself and my supervisor Grissom into a potentially lethal situation, forcing his hand that resulted in the death of another person."

Sara sounded almost matter-of-factly as she recalled the events, but Grissom sensed there was more. She was too accepting of the accusations brought against her, as if she had already given up. He had known she would blame herself for getting them into that room with Edwards, but surely not for Grissom having to shoot him. She shouldn't be shouldering that. He had always lived with guilt in a way, learned how to deal with it. _Thou shalt not kill_. He could probably even rationalize that away when he tried hard enough. Another thing he was good at. Surely it would have been the wrong course of action to do nothing, to have another person carry the burden of killing someone instead. But he had never meant for his actions to be a burden for Sara. Lose-lose situation, Grissom.

He only noticed he had stepped closer to the glass separating them when he felt his own warm breath fanning over his face. He had to fight the urge to step into the other room, but a deal was a deal.

"So, Ms. Sidle." Adams concluded the hearing and Grissom watched as Sara almost drew inwards, steeling herself for what was to come.

"You understand of course that we cannot let a transgression like this slide." Adams opened the report in front of him. "But considering your well above average record over the years... we wouldn't want to lose such a good CSI. You will be demoted to a CSI Level 2, with all accompanying pay and vacation cuts. Additionally to that, you are placed on a mandatory 2-weeks suspension. Without pay, I'm afraid."

Sara's head snapped up. She looked at the man opposite her intently, as if making sure she had heard correctly. Grissom saw surprise on her face, mixed with relief. And something almost like anger.

"Two weeks?"

"Yes, Ms. Sidle." Adams was putting his files away and stood up.

Grissom heard an approving grunt from Burdick next to him as Adams left the interrogation room. Sara was still sitting in her place, looking almost dazed. Turning hastily, Grissom was stopped short by the Sheriff regarding him with calculating eyes.

"It was the right decision, Grissom. Let Sidle take a bit of the fall, the rest as agreed."

"Tell that to Catherine."

"It's for her best, too. You know that." Burdick shrugged. "The changes will be implemented immediately. You should be happy, Gil. You're getting your team back."

Grissom only regarded him coldly until Burdick smiled and turned to go.

"Oh, one more thing." The Sheriff turned once more in the doorway. "Atwater was an incompetent fool, though he looked good on camera. You better not try keeping something like Willows cashing that check from me, understood? Who knows what kind of repercussions a move like that might have for you personally." He smiled thinly and nodded to Adams outside as he left.

Grissom clenched his jaw again and turned towards the two-way mirror, but could only watch Sara leaving the interrogation room.

* * *

TBC. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: None really, just general stuff up to currently aired eps.  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own CSI - but if I did, I'd give it to Tarantino and have him direct every single ep from now on.

**A/N:** I apologize for the long time it took me to update. Writer's block sucks. For some reason the finale totally drained me. I promise to be better in the future.

* * *

Chapter 7:

The shade of the rock provided some much needed protection from the sun beating down. The desert around her was simmering with the heat and it wasn't even noon yet. The air was dry in her lungs and she could almost taste the dust. A desert centipede slowly made its way across the loose soil, legs undulating like endless waves. Sara leaned forward and scooped it up in her hand, bringing it closer to her position in the shade and then gently setting it back onto the ground. Funny how some people impact your life in the most unlikely ways. Sara had never been squeamish, but before Grissom bugs had been just... bugs. Now they seemed like a tenuous connection to his soul. Maybe if she understood the bugs, she might gain some insight into the man who had devoted his life to the study of them. Maybe she was fooling herself.

Watching the centipede scramble off, she leaned back against the rock, it's heat warming her skin through the thin layer of her shirt.

After her hearing Sara had gotten into her car and just drove. On and on, aimlessly. Along the Strip and the masses of tourists milling around. They seemed alien, foreign- crowds always made her feel lonely. She had driven till the city was far behind her and then a little further still. It was lonely out on the highway, random cars zipping past. The dirt road on the right had called to her and she had turned onto it, following it into the desert. When no signs of civilization could be seen she had just stopped, walked for a bit, and now sat in the shade of a big boulder in the middle of nowhere. The heat was oppressive, the ground hard beneath her, dust settling in her clothes and on her skin. But it made her feel connected, feel alive. Nature had always been a place for Sara to center herself and the vastness of the desert was a good reminder of her place on Earth. She had grown to love the area around Vegas. At first it had seemed barren and dead, but you had to look closer, observe, be patient to discover the richness that lay beneath.

She closed her eyes, a gentle breeze hot on her cheeks. She had come out to get lost, to not think. But there was too much going through her mind. Sara still reeled from the hearing. To say the outcome had been unexpected would be the understatement of the year. But as the surprise began to wear off, she couldn't shake the feeling that more was going on. Something she wasn't privy too. Something she was pretty sure she wouldn't like.

By all means, she should have been fired for her actions. It had been a gross disregard of the rules resulting in a disaster. Professionally and on a personal level. Maybe she had been ready to accept the professional punishment as easily because she could hold onto that to deflect from the personal guilt she felt. Not even so much for causing the situation, but for being glad that it was Grissom who had shot Edwards and not her. He had made the choice, he was willing to shoulder that load, and all she had felt at first was relief. It was probably natural, especially for someone who held life in such high regard as she did, but so did Grissom, and it just felt wrong. Like a betrayal. She hadn't seen Grissom since, but she couldn't bear the thought of the accusation he'd have in his eyes when he would look at her.

Opening her eyes, she tried to shake that thought and gathered a handful of sand, almost cool in her palm, and let it run through her fingers slowly. She didn't want to think about it anymore, but now she had a whole two weeks with nothing but her thoughts ahead of her. But only if that was what she let happen. It was in her hands - keep running or face it head on. Sara had never been one to run away from things. She shouldn't start with that now of all times, even if the prospect of being the one to adress things openly once again had neever seemed less appealing than now.

**xxxxxxxx**

The office felt cool and secure. Surrounded by things that most would find repulsive, Grissom had always felt at home. It was the little touches of personality that he hid behind the front of geeky bugman paraphernalia that made him feel at ease. Grissom knew very well what persona to maintain to evade a deeper probing by most people. Only few could see behind that. Or were actually willing to make the effort. People were fickle creatures, content with the outward appearance of things. It had always been his job to dig deeper, to see beyond the outer layer. But it was so much easier when it was about others. His own mind and soul was what he had been scared of exploring beyond a certain level, uncomfortable with the intensity and at times darkness he saw there. And all of that had been shaken recently, forcing him to take a good hard look. Certain events just didn't allow a rational compartmentalization.

And then he had the whole mess with Burdick to deal with. It was actually a welcome distraction from everything else going on, though he had a hard time gathering his thoughts. He'd have to explain it to Catherine mainly, he owed her that. Even he knew she would fee betrayed. But then the alternative would have been most likely worse for her. If her anger was what he'd have to face for it, he was willing to accept that. It had really been the only acceptable option, but he hated the fact that he would have to hurt a friend.

"Gil."

His head snapped up at the voice close by. He hadn't even noticed that someone had stepped into the office. Brass stood before his desk, trying to maintain a blank face, but not able to hide the concern in his eyes.

"Brass. What can I do for you?"

The detective sighed and took a seat, seemingly trying to decide what to say. "You could give me some answers. And don't pretend you are working, you weren't reading that file in front of you for a good five minutes."

"Were you watching me?"

"I'm watching out for you. What in the world have you done?"

Grissom leaned back and shot Brass an annoyed glance.

Seeing that this would be akin to pulling teeth, Brass decided to plunge right ahead, not willing to accept any evasive tactics from Grissom this time around. "Here's the thing. I come in this morning, learning that Sara's hearing had been rescheduled. Actually right after your hearing from what I got. So I was thinking... wow, IA can't wait to pin that one on her. Imagine my surprise at learning that she got away with a slap on her wrist."

"Did you want her gone, Jim?"

"Don't lay that on me, Gil. And don't try to make this about me." Brass pinned his friend with a piercing stare. "I know I'm not known for my deep thoughts, but I'm not an idiot."

"I never thought so, you know that."

"Then stop bullshitting me. And stop bullshitting yourself. It worked before, but not this time around."

Grissom looked at him tiredly. "Do I look like I'm bullshitting myself, Brass? I had to make a decision and I made it."

"Seems like this decision will touch quite a few people and I don't mean Sara."

"Can you look into the future now?"

Brass smiled slightly at Grissom's sarcastic tone. "You're real cute when you try to hide behind indignation."

"Did you come here with the specific goal to piss me off, Jim? If you did, you've succeeded. You can leave again." Grissom turned in his chair and opened a drawer in his desk, taking out his pain medication.

"Headache?"

Grissom didn't spare him a glance as he swallowed two pills and followed them with a glass of water.

Brass wasn't ready to let up. "I also happened to see Catherine. Pretty early for Swingshift. But then she was headed to the Sheriff. Curious, wouldn't you say?" Grissom didn't look at him as he closed the lid of the pill bottle with deliberate motions and put it back. "Gil, I trust your judgement, but I hope you know what you're doing."

"I don't need your advice, Jim."

Brass got up and nodded silently to himself. "No, you don't. But I think you need a friend. Looks like you might have a few less after today."

* * *

TBC. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T - again for language in this one.  
**Spoilers**: None really, just general stuff up to currently aired eps. Mention of _King Baby._  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own CSI - but if I did, I'd give it to Tarantino and have him direct every single ep from now on.

**A/N**: Sorry if the story is confusing to some, but I didn't want to have everything revealed up front. Thank you so much for the reviews everyone. I'd be lying if I didn't say they make my day!

* * *

Chapter: 8

For the second time that day Sara walked into the lab. She had driven there straight from the desert, not wanting to give herself the time to change her mind. In a way this was more Grissom's turf than her own and she would have preferred a more neutral setting. But she didn't want to give him the time to back out or bullshit himself into thinking he could come up with a safe response that would say all and nothing at the same time. She had made her decision and would stand by it - whether they'd work through it or it would end up being the one unsurmountable obstacle on the madly winding path they'd travelled so far.

Rounding the corner to his office, she saw the light was on. Good, so he was in. Sara gathered herself and was about to announce her presence, when a voice from his office made her stop short.

"Grissom, I... I just can't believe what you did."

Catherine. Sara stayed rooted to the spot. She didn't want to eavesdrop - it was so cheap and low, but couldn't help herself from listening on. Grissom hadn't even bothered with closing his office door fully. It was ajar, which was strange in itself as the argument seemed to have been going on for a while.

"Catherine, it had to be done. It wasn't really up to me to..."

"Stop it, Grissom. We both know why you did it and considerations for me didn't even enter your mind." Catherine sounded more hurt than angry underneath her sharp tone and Sara wondered what exactly had happened. It seemed like these past few days everything just went down the tubes suddenly. She felt the pang of guilt again, thinking how her actions had ended up touching so many others.

"On the contrary, Catherine. I did it just as much for you."

"How exactly is getting me demoted good for me?"

Demoted? Sara drew closer to the wall.

"Because the alternative would have been worse, believe me." Grissom's voice sounded strained, as if he was trying to communicate more than he could say with words. Sara had seen that often enough, yet never heard him speak with as much underlying regret and tiredness.

"Oh, don't tell me you didn't do it for HER. Don't try to bullshit me into thinking you did this for anyone but you and your selfish little concerns."

"Catherine..." Grissom sounded almost pleading, which was uncharacteristic for him. What was going on?

"No. Forget it, Grissom. I think I finally see you for who you are." Catherine's cold voice drifted through the door. Sara looked around, but no one seemed to have noticed the argument just yet. It was the lull between shifts and people were either getting their workstations ready or were about to leave. But she felt punched in the gut by what she had heard. Catherine demoted? And what she had insinuated, could it be true? Was Grissom doing this for her? Because of her to be precise?

Sara inched away slowly. Her mind was reeling with the new info and it didn't make any sense. Why would Catherine be demoted because of her fuck up? And what did Grissom have to do with it? But it surely explained why Sara wasn't out of a job now. She felt anger well up in herself. That was so Grissom, going over her head with something like this, not even considering into what position it would put her.

The push and pull game he seemed to be so fond of had just entered a whole new level. Sara could deal with it as long as it was about herself only. She didn't like it and lately she'd grown disgusted by it. But let it draw other people in and Grissom surely had crossed a line Sara was not willing to cross with him. Still, she could not see it in Grissom to do something like that. A last flicker of believe in his basic decency remained, despite all the pain and mindfucks he'd put her through. Maybe it was that last shred of the Grissom she firmly believed in that lay behind his stone walls that had made her stay despite everything in her screaming to get as far away from him as possible. There was more to this, there had to be.

She turned silently and went back outside, deciding to bid her time for the moment. She wasn't running, but she knew she couldn't talk with Grissom just now.

**xxxxxxxx**

Grissom leaned back in his chair wearily, the argument having aggravated his headache again. He pushed it aside to give Catherine his full attention. He understood her anger and he could accept it to a degree, though it was misdirected. For the umpteenth time that day he cursed god and the world for seemingly conspiring against him. But he was sick and tired of covering for her and getting nothing but accusations in return.

Catherine had quietened down, her anger replaced by a sadness. Underlying his own anger brought on by the argument was the question if Catherine was partly right. Was he doing this more for himself than anyone else? If he'd had his own needs in mind, why did it feel like it was ripping him apart?

"Catherine. You think I chose Sara over you due to... personal feelings." He managed to wrench that admission out of himself.

Catherine laughed a short bitter laugh. "At least you're not trying to bullshit either of us. I guess that's a step forward for you. Congratulation. Though I kinda wish you had done it without screwing my career over."

Her sarcastic tone grated on him and he wondered again how she could think that of him after all these years. "You think I wanted you demoted?"

"Gil." She was silent for a while. "I'm not sure what to think anymore."

"Look... this goes beyond what has happened the past few days. It's not about me. And it's not about me wanting to keep Sara." His lack of sleep and the persisting headache were catching up with him. He was beyond swallowing all she dished out to him.

"I'm sorry Grissom, but what message am I to get from you being ready to have me demoted in order to have Sara not lose her job?" Catherine felt the anger rise again, pushing the hurt aside.

"Is that what Burdick told you?"

"Don't try to talk this away. Don't try to rationalize this so you can go to sleep in peace every night, because Gil Grissom is above things. Gil Grissom can do no wrong. You're full of shit, Gil."

"I never said that!" Grissom snapped. "I fuck up just like everyone else. I'm not the one who can't face the repercussions for it or accept responsibility for my actions!"

Catherine was surprised by his outburst, not remembering Grissom ever having spoken like that before, but it triggered an anger in her she wasn't willing to swallow. "Don't try to shift the blame, Grissom."

"You are one to speak Catherine." His laugh was bitter. Truth is, he was just tired of it all. "Okay, straight up. No beating around the bush." He leaned forward, eyes hard. "You are the one who brought this unto yourself. I am tired of your accusations when I've always had your back."

"Up until this time you mean."

"Especially this time, Catherine." Grissom hated that he had to break it to her like that, but she needed to know the full story. He pulled a file out from his topmost drawer. "I'm doing this because I am your friend and I don't want to lose you. But I have to be honest with you - if you're looking for someone to blame, look at yourself." He extended the file towards her. "This file was recovered from a secret compartment in Bruce Eiger's toy box, I'm sure you remember the case."

Catherine took the file and frowned. "What does that have to do with me?"

"Everything, Catherine. Eiger was a powerful man. And he had powerful enemies he felt the need to protect himself from. Apparently he chose the well proven method of blackmail, which is what you're holding."

She scanned the cover and drew in a startled breath. _Sam Braun_. The file was a good two inches thick and Catherine felt a cold dread settle over herself.

Grissom saw the realization in her eyes. "I'm sorry it had to come to this. But you need to understand that had I not struck this deal with the Sheriff, you would be out of this job and the lab would face a public relations disaster. Apparently Eiger also had a file on Atwater and you know how that ended. Thank the fact that the Sheriff's more concerned with public appearance of the lab than anything else."

"The check?"

"For one thing, yes." Grissom pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry Catherine, I let the argument go too far."

"It wasn't a bribe."

Grissom looked at her. "I believe you. Or I wouldn't have covered for you. It's what it can be made to look like that is the problem. You knew that."

She handed him the file back. "I don't think I want to read it."

"Okay." He put it back in the drawer and sighed.

"I guess you got the best deal out of this, huh?"

"You think I wanted it to come to this?" Catherine's ability to shift blame instantly never ceased to amaze him.

"No. I guess not." She got up and walked to the door. "I guess I'll see you tonight then. I need to tell Nick and Warrick."

He watched her go wordlessly, not entirely sure where they were standing just now. Grissom tried to be rational about this. The alternative would have been losing both Catherine and Sara, as Burdick would have fired Catherine over the check and using evidence to determine paternity,and Sara over breaking the rules. By standing up for Sara, he had forced Burdick to chose between losing all three of them or striking a deal that didn't sit all that well with anyone involved. He understood Burdick's motivation, but Catherine's words made him question his own. Was he blinding himself into thinking he was doing it for others, or was he doing it out of guilt and needing to assuage it?

The guilt wasn't over the Eiger file and Catherine. He had used that to distract himself from the real issue at hand. And that wasn't about the Sheriff or politics and tough decisions regarding the lab that involved other people. The one person he needed to talk to, to see that she didn't blame him, was the one person he had never found the strength in himself to talk things over openly. It was tearing him apart on the inside to want to so much but being unable to just yet. But if he couldn't do it for himself, he had to do it for her.

* * *

TBC. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: Everything including S5 is fair game, but no real spoilers in this one.  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own CSI - but if I did, I'd give it to Tarantino and have him direct every single ep from now on and have CM demoted too.

**A/N**: Thanks for pointing out my error with the centipede. The ones here aren't quite as nasty and I will delete the site I checked from my favorites as it apparently sucks...  
And as always, thank you so much for the wonderful and thoughtful reviews!

* * *

Chapter 9:

Grissom walked into the breakroom, greeted by stony silence. He let his gaze sweep over the people there. Nick, Warrick and Greg were sitting together at the table. Catherine a little to the side, not meeting his eyes. Sofia was also a bit apart from the guys. The empty place across from her screamed at him, the absence of its usual occupant only reminding him that the team reunion wasn't like anything he'd ever pictured it to be.

Ecklie breaking up the team had cut deep. He had come to realize that it wasn't the fact that his work had been questioned, that his reputation might have been tarnished. He had been glad that Catherine had finally been promoted - despite her errors in judgement in the past, he thought she'd learned her lesson and would make a good supervisor. But he had come to realize that his team had grown dearer to him than he wanted them to. That they had insinuated their way into his heart and had been like a family indeed. And now he had them back, but under less than ideal circumstances.

Pursing his mouth, he placed the assignment slips on the table and sat down, all eyes turning to him expectantly. Any illusions of just playing this like they used to - handing out assigments, Nick and Warrick ribbing each other over who would get to work what case - quickly vanished.

"Here's the deal." He tried for a modicum of calm assurance under the circumstances. "As you've undoubtedly heard, Catherine has been demoted from Swingshift Supervisor and works for the Nightshift again. Warrick and Nick, you too." They didn't look surprised or showed any outward reaction really from which he could judge their state of mind, and it made him feel uneasy to see them so closed off. "Sofia will be promoted to supervisor of Swing, taking over some of that team and a few from Dayshift. That means the lab is still understaffed and we might have to work more than usual, but the Sheriff's taking applications."

Sofia nodded and shot an apologetic glance towards Catherine. "I'll make it work. I'm actually surprised Ecklie backed down on his decision."

"Ecklie had nothing to do with it. It was..." He struggled for words, "It was out of his hands."

Greg coughed. "What about Sara?"

The tension in the room was palpable, but Grissom had come to admire the young CSI for not shying away from uncomfortable questions at any time.

"She's been placed on a two week suspension and demoted to a CSI Level 2. She'll join us after she gets back to work." Grissom tried to sound unaffected, but shifted uncomfortably in his chair and cursed himself for it. He had never been one to fidget. "Look guys, I..."

"Why don't you just hand out assigments?" Catherine's voice cut through his attempt at an explanation.

Seeing it was too soon for mending fences just yet, he nodded softly. He picked up the assigment slips and for a moment a feeling of the old Nightshift overcame him, though tinged by sadness. "Warrick, Greg - trash call at the Thriftlodge Motel. Owner called it in." He extended the slip and Warrick took it with a soft nod of his own, leaving the room with Greg in tow.

"Catherine, do you want a case or time to get everything organized with your office?"

"I don't know. You're the boss."

Grissom saw that any attempts at trying to make this smooth for her were useless, his effort at making it clear that she still had an extra standing on the team seemed to be for naught. Fine. He was done playing the punching bag. He could be a hard-ass too. "Yes, I am. Get your office cleared so Sofia can take it over. She can help you."

Shooting daggers in his direction with her eyes, Catherine got up and stalked out of the room. Sofia looked none too happy, but chose not to comment and slowly walked after Catherine. She was a good CSI, but had never really been part of the team, so Grissom was fine with letting her go.

"Gris."

He looked up at Nick. The Texan had a gentle look in his eyes as he regarded him calmly. "Cath... you know her. This isn't easy for her and she'll make sure we all know that for a while to come. She'll get used to it."

Grissom had always appreciated it about Nick that he seemed to have an understanding for the underdog, even if it seemed strange to think of himself in such terms. But then he wasn't surprised he wasn't exactly popular right now. And while he couldn't stand pity, he didn't see any in Nick's gaze or words. Smiling softly, he handed Nick the last assigment slip. "Thank you, Nick. I got a drug deal gone bad for you. One dead."

"Just me?" Nick glanced over the sheet.

"My shoulder's still troubling me a bit, I'll stay at the lab. So it's all yours."

The soft tone and the admission itself astonished Nick, but Grissom seemed different lately. Nick didn't know the details of what had happened, but he trusted Grissom and he saw that a lot was weighing him down at the moment. He got up and walked around the table.

"That's cool. Look..." Tentatively putting his hand on Grissom's uninjured shoulder, he looked down at his supervisor. "I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm glad we're back together. We'll make it work." He quickly withdrew his hand and walked out, unsure of Grissom's reaction to the friendly gesture and if he had overstepped any bounds.

He didn't see Grissom look after him with astonished eyes and the grateful smile that he allowed himself for a moment before getting up to leave for his office.

**xxxxxxxx**

Sara couldn't sleep. Not surprising, as it was 1am and she usually would be at work at that time of night. She hadn't slept throughout the day, but she had always been able to function on little to no sleep. It wasn't the lack of sleep that was troubling her.

She had tried to look at everything in an objective and scientific manner. She didn't have many facts, but the ones she could list just didn't stack up.

She had messed up, but hadn't been fired. Under the circumstances, her suspension and demotion were a joke. Ecklie had seemed unaware, so he was out of the picture.

Catherine had been demoted for some reason and apparently she blamed Grissom from what Sara had overheard. But Sara failed to see the connection to herself. She didn't believe in coincidence, so Grissom must have had a hand in this. He had a selfish streak, she was the first who could attest to it, but there had to be something she didn't know about.

She wondered again if her personal feelings clouded her judgement. And she cursed herself for still being unable to shake the hold he apparently had on her. After all this time, after all he put her through, she wasn't ready to give up on him. Sara was awfully close to giving up on him being more than a boss to her, but she couldn't give up on him as a person.

Over the last couple of years she had seen a side of Grissom she had never suspected. In retrospect, she realized that she'd always had an idealized vision of him in her mind. It was easy to form a picture of a person when you didn't see them on a daily basis but kept living in the past, clinging to the good memories and the first impressions. And after she fist came here, he seemed to live up to that picture. But then, no person could stay up on the pedestal someone else puts them on and she had been dearly disappointed in what she came to see in Grissom at times. Except that was only human and he probably didn't realize how much his fallacies told her about him. To truly know a person, you had to see them at their worst. But the blame wasn't solely on him, she had to shoulder some of it herself.

At times she thought she understood him, that she had gained the decisive piece in the puzzle that was Gil Grissom that would let her see the whole picture. But then the piece didn't fit and she ended up knowing him even less. Every time she thought she might have him figured out, he went and did something unexpected. She was losing patience, though.

The ringing of the phone caught her attention and she walked over to it slowly, still deep in thought. Recently he had gone out of his way to try and regain the friendship they once shared, actually creating a more solid basis for it than they've ever had. But she had gone and messed it up royally.

Sara picked up the phone, shaking herself out of her ruminations. "Sidle." Her eyes widened in surprise. Talk about unexpected.

* * *

TBC. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: Anything already aired is fair game. Mention of _Snakes_ and ND. Sort of.  
**Disclaimer**: I still don't own CSI, but I just got a nifty new pan.

**A/N**: Eeeeee for all the lovely reviews. Thanks so much.  
The talk, it's coming, soon.

* * *

Chapter 10:

Grissom gripped the phone tightly. He'd heard Sara's intake of breath and wasn't sure how to proceed. "I... I just called to tell you DNA gave me the results from the Edwards case."

"Okay."

Her tone was neutral, only adding to his apprehension. Stick to work, that was safe. "Greg worked it himself. Samples from the little girl and the ones you collected are a match." Grissom looked at the printout before him again, as if it were an absolution of sorts of his actions. It was just a piece of paper, though.

"Good. He got what he deserved then."

He heard the relief in Sara's tone, though they both hadn't needed a DNA match to know. Her seemingly easy acceptance of the fact that Edwards had been killed by him startled Grissom somewhat.

"Is that why you called?"

"Yes. No." Grissom closed his eyes in annoyance. "Yes, I wanted you to know, but... I... we need to talk."

"Yeah."

She was silent for a while and Grissom hated the fact that he couldn't see her to gauge her reactions. He had never liked talking things through on the phone. Growing up with a deaf mother had taught him to read facial expressions and gestures early on. People tended to concentrate on the spoken word too much, by that not being conscious of how much they were saying besides that. They often didn't have the same kind of awareness of little telltale signs in their facial expressions or body posture. Grissom used that ruthlessly in interrogations. Talking over the phone made him uneasy though, as he had never been good with words when it came to things outside of work.

"Sara," he thought about his next move. "Can I come over after shift? I'd prefer to..."

"Yes, me too." She latched onto his line of thinking right away. "I'm home. Just come over when you're done."

"Okay."

She hung up without any of the usual pleasentries that marked the end of a conversation. But then this conversation was far from over.

**xxxxxxxx**

Sara had finally settled down. Grissom's call had surprised her. He was hardly the person to make a bold move like that, but then the last few days had been full of surprises. Maybe she should just get used to that.

The fact that he wanted to talk had made her nervous. It meant she'd have to face the guilt she felt and face the disappointment of the person her carelessness had affected. Sara tried to distract herself by cleaning up her living room, but of course there wasn't any cleaning up needed. She didn't accomplish much except shuffling one stack of magazines from one end of the table to the next. After eying that stack for some time, she just gave up and settled in, waiting.

There had been a time when she would have embraced the fact that Grissom wanted to talk openly. Though Grissom initiating a talk outside of work was like a sure sign of impending apocalypse. It had surprised her when he came over after she had been suspended by Ecklie, but there was so much more weighing her down right now. She wanted some answers though, and Sara wasn't ready to let him talk himself out of giving them this time.

She realized with a start that she had been fully ready to leave the lab and Las Vegas behind had she been fired, and for some strange reason that realization gave her strength. A clean break and a new start had seemed like a good idea at that point. Maybe that could still be achieved even without leaving. God knew she was tired of the current status quo. No, it wasn't about leaving Vegas and everything tied to it behind. She'd still carry her personal baggage with her wherever she went. But ever since she had admitted to Grissom that he had been the main reason for her to come to Vegas, it had felt like a burden had been lifted off her. Like a cleansing of the soul almost.

In hindsight, Sara saw that her move that day wasn't solely for the purpose of trying to move on. She had wanted to put the ball in his court. But that also implied that he should rise to that challenge and that she still hoped he would.

But maybe putting everything that was burdening her out in the open would have a similar effect of not having to carry it on her soul anymore. Over the past few days, Sara had done a lot of soul searching. Painful at times, but it had helped her set her priorities straight. At the point she was at now, it really was up to Grissom if there was ever to be anything more than a friendship. But she realized she had to make a clean break between work and personal life once and for all, and this might prove to be the moment to do it. She just hoped Grissom would still be able to consider her a friend after everything.

**xxxxxxxx**

The shift was winding down and Grissom was signing off the reports and requests that came trickling in. A night at the lab had allowed for him to catch up with some of the paperwork and keep himself occupied. Strangely enough, except for a certain tension and Catherine avoiding him and vice versa, things did seem to be back to almost normal. As if the months with the team being split never really happened.

As the shift was coming to an end, Grissom was growing nervous though. For once, he was apprehensive about talking to Sara. Scratch apprehensive. He was shit scared. He had never been good at admitting things like that to himself, but with everything that was at stake, he wanted to be as honest as possible with himself and her. He knew there would be no way this talk wouldn't stray into the personal, but just the fact that he had labeled it as "the talk" in is mind was enough to make him want to crawl into a corner and stay there for a good few days. But he had avoided it for too long. He just wasn't sure how much he was able to admit yet. To Sara. And to himself.

And there were his own demons he had yet to battle. Grissom knew he was just buying himself some time by staying in the lab. He couldn't postpone going out into the field indefinitely. But the guilt over having killed someone was still raw and he knew it would catch up with him at a crime scene. Things definitely weren't back to normal in that regard.

For Grissom, things had always been rather black and white. They had to be to a certain degree in order for him to do his job easily and objectively. It came naturally to him as a scientist, but it was also a form of self-protection. The strict line he drew between himself and the criminals he hunted had always been one of his foundations. There were times when he had realized he could understand the criminal mind uncomfortably well. In his heart, Grissom knew there was no such line that split the perpetrators from himself, but he still found comfort in deluding himself into that false sense of security.

Grissom had never been a violent man, but after recent events he realized he had all the elements for violence in him. He'd always known, of course, but in an abstract kind of way. Shooting Edwards was forcing him to openly acknowledge that fact and Grissom had never been good at dealing with feelings outside of the safety of the confines he set for himself.

And he was scared that this side of him would be painfully obvious to Sara now. Irrationally, the image of her turning away from him in his dream still haunted him and Grissom wasn't sure he could stand that kind of open rejection.

* * *

TBC. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: None really, except if you haven't seen ND yet.  
**Disclaimer**: Last I checked, I still didn't own CSI. Damn.

**A/N**: Thanks for the reviews. And OMG, the talk, she's here! I hope this isn't too fluffy...

* * *

Chapter 11:

Grissom drove up to Sara's apartment and parked his car carefully next to hers. He'd managed to only procrastinate for half an hour after shift ended before he got going. Not bad for him.

He went up the flight of stairs leading to her door in a swift pace - once Grissom made up his mind there was no stopping him. Funny, but in all these years this was only the third time he went to her apartment, and each time seemed to be for more and more awkward reasons. Though this time was about him, not as before, and he had never been good at sharing.

He took a deep breath before knocking and the door opened only moments afterwards, as if Sara had been waiting.

"Hey."

"Hey." She smiled at him uneasily and stepped aside. He looked beyond tired and she felt another pang of guilt.

Grissom softly brushed against her as he walked in and then stood uncomfortably in the middle of her living room, eyes darting around on their own accord, taking everything in. Nothing had really changed. Only the wooden hand he had given her after a tough case a few years ago had moved from her desk to a bookshelf. Grissom looked back at her at the door, unsure how to proceed.

"Wow, this is awkward."

Her factual statement brought a smirk to his lips. "How about we pretend this is just a friendly visit."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "You do friendly visits?"

"Occasionally. At random intervals really." He felt more comfortable with the friendly ribbing, something they seemed to have lost over the years.

Sara smiled a real smile and moved to the kitchen. "Anything to drink?"

"A beer would be great." He thought he might need something to hold on to. Watching her move in her kitchen, opening the fridge, Grissom was struck by a side of Sara he hadn't really seen before. She was utterly at ease in her home, none of the barely contained energy and tension she usually carried around with her at work. He thought it was something he could get used to, but better not start hoping for something he might never have. Except that where this line of thinking had helped all his life, it failed to work when Sara Sidle entered the picture.

"I can almost hear you think."

Grissom was startled by the bottle of beer that had materialized in front of him and Sara's easy smile as she held it out, gazing at him.

"Sorry." He took the beer and moved to the couch, waiting till Sara had settled into the armchair opposite of him, a twin of his own beer in her hands. She took a sip and looked at Grissom.

"So, how was shift tonight?"

"Good."

"Hmm." She took another sip and waited, looking at him. "God, we suck at small talk, don't we?"

Grissom's lips twitched in that almost smile he did but it was gone just as fast. "Yeah. It's not what we're here for anyways." The way she drew up her legs on the armchair reminded Grissom of the last time he had been at Sara's apartment, and once again he cursed himself for not having seen it all sooner. And for lulling himself into the false sense of security that his little hand-holding had miraculously solved all of her problems.

Putting the beer on the table, he leaned forward. Now or never. "Okay, I... " He drew in another breath. "Mainly I wanted to apologize." At her surprised look he raised his hand to ward her off. "Please, let me get it out or I might not be able to start again."

Sara nodded quietly and he continued.

"I realize now that I wasn't paying enough attention to what has been going on around me and I am sorry I let things get out of hand so much. There isn't a moment when I don't wish I hadn't been so blind and things hadn't gone so far. The Edwards case... I just should have seen it sooner."

"I understand you blaming me for that." Sara's voice sounded small and she avoided his gaze.

"What?"

Sara thought she heard surprise in his voice and ventured a look at Grissom. She had expected to see an accusation in his gaze, but he seemed to be genuinely stunned. "I just... I blame myself that my reckless behavior led to that situation. And everything before that, forcing you to act instead of me."

"Sara... what, no. I don't blame you, don't think that for a minute. It's... " He drew a hand over his chin and leaned back. "What are you talking about?"

She drew her legs up further as if they provided some sort of shield to hide behind. "I should have never burdened you with my past."

"That has noting to do with it." Grissom was trying to make sense of it all.

"You're saying you would have acted the same way no matter who was there?"

"Yes. No. God... Sara." He let out a frustrated breath and got up to pace, trying to get a grip on this conversation. "I mean, I would have done the same, but the reasons for my actions would have been different."

Sara watched him pace for a moment, running everything through her mind again. "That doesn't make sense, Grissom."

"It does to me." He stopped his pacing to look at her, trying to come up with the words.

Sara drew her eyebrows together. "Griss..."

"It's not your _past_ I care about, okay?" He turned away again and went to her window, not wanting to expose the raw feelings raging in himself. For a moment there was only the sound of the curtains, softly billowing in the gentle breeze coming in from the outside, the air cool on his skin. The wind lazily manipulating the light fabric. It was a stark contrast to the cacophony of emotions he felt in himself, not sure how to handle them. And there was the age-old fear he felt, the fear that once he put everything out in the open, it would leave him vulnerable and at the mercy of someone else. But before he could retreat behind his walls again, he heard Sara chuckling softly.

"That was about the most backhanded compliment I have ever gotten, Gris."

He still wasn't able to turn around and face her, idly running his hands over the curtain, trying to ground himself again, until he heard her walk up behind him.

"Hey, stop hiding. The world hasn't ground to a halt yet." The mirth in her voice annoyed him and he turned around, looking at her.

"I'm glad you're able to just be funny about it all."

"I'm not being funny." Sara's expression grew serious. "I was scared I'd look into your eyes and see nothing but accusation and disdain in there. I felt so guilty that you shot Edwards."

"I told you..."

"No, I felt so guilty that the moment after you shot him? I was glad. I was glad it was you and not me. Into what kind of a bastard does this make me?"

Grissom walked up to her and took her hand into his. "Well, if it makes you feel better, I was glad it wasn't you too, so we can agree on this." He smiled at her softly, wanting to try and steer this conversation onto safe ground again, but her serious expression didn't waver.

Sara grasped his hand tighter. "How can you discard it just like that? How do you do it, Grissom?"

"I can't. But don't ever blame yourself again." He drew her into a hug, burrowing his face in her soft hair and feeling utterly at ease with it. "I know it won't leave me for a long time to come. I've never shot anyone before and I'd seriously doubt myself if I were able to just shrug it off. And I was scared you would see me for who I truly am and turn away from that." Sighing deeply as he felt her hands clasp around his waist and hold him, he just let go of it all. "But it made me realize some things and I'm scared. Scared that one day I'll wake up with nothing but regrets."

Sara felt him shake slightly in her arms, his breath hitching. "Gris, " she hugged him tighter to herself, forgetting everything else for the moment. There would be time enough for that. She was worried things were moving too fast and too much was being left unsaid, but that would be for later. Gil Grissom did things at his own pace anyways. "We'll deal with it."

At that moment it didn't distress him to realize that he wasn't strong enough himself, because he realized at the same time that he didn't need to be. "I'm tired, Sara. I'm so tired."

* * *

TBC. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: None really.  
**Disclaimer**: Last I checked, I still didn't own CSI. Damn.

**A/N**: Sorry for the loooong time it took me to update. My only excuse is RL being a tad too crazy right now for my liking. As always, thank you everyone for the wonderful reviews!

* * *

Chapter 12:

Sara woke up, finding herself on her couch and trying to remember why. Then the events from the morning came back - Grissom's confession and how he had been so tired and weary that he could hardly stand up anymore, as if the things he had said had drained him of all energy.

Unsure what had awakened her, she lay still for a moment, peering into the semi-darkness of the room. The curtains were drawn across the windows, pushing back the bright glare of a Vegas day except for little strips of sunlight illuminating the floor and walls where they had found cracks in the curtains. A quick glance at the clock told her that it was barely noon and she had been asleep for only a few hours.

There it was again, a faint sound coming from the bedroom. For someone used to sleeping alone, a light sleeper on top of that, any change in the usual sounds and rhythms of the day were noticable.

Sara drew the light cover aside and got up, slowly walking to the bedroom. Grissom had all but collapsed earlier and she had talked him into sleeping here. He'd only offered a weak protest about her taking the couch instead. A sure sign that he had been beyond tired.

Slowly turning the knob, Sara looked into the bedroom to check up on him. The room was bathed in the same semi-darkness, but she could make out his form against the white bedsheet and pillows. The blanked was twisted around his legs and Grissom kept shifting restlessly. He mumbled something unintelligible as she stepped next to his bed, a frown crossing his features as he turned again. He seemed to be having a nightmare and Sara debated with herself whether to wake him or not. He'd be mortified knowing she had found him like this.

Another soft grunt and turnfrom him settled the issue for her and she gently placed a hand on his shoulder to rouse him. His skin was hot to the touch and felt clammy at the same time, but as soon as her hand touched him, Grissom seemed to quieten down, head rolling to the side with an almost content sigh.

Standing still and just touching him for a while, Sara decided to wait and see if the nightmare had passed. He looked younger in sleep, features unguarded and open, but she could see that a lot was weighing him down. Maybe more than most people would give him credit for. She carefully drew the blanket back up and then walked over to the armchair in the corner of her bedroom. Taking his clothes off it and placing them on the floor, she settled in to wait.

The muffled sounds from the outside were all that disturbed the utter quietness of the room and Sara soon dozed off to the steady rhythm of Grissom's soft breathing.

**xxxxxxxx**

Feeling disoriented, Grissom woke from the best night's sleep he'd had in a while. The bed felt different, the ambient sounds were strange. Yet the scent was familiar and strangely comforting as he took a deep breath and sighed. He slowly opened his eyes and let them grow accustomed to the low light, events from the morning returning to him. Grissom had expected to feel uncomfortable upon waking in Sara's bed, dreading the implications their talk would have, but he found that he felt blissfully at ease and relieved.

Noting that he wasn't alone in the room from the sounds of someone's soft snoring, he turned his head to find Sara curled up in the armchair. The position looked uncomfortable but she seemed to be fast asleep, head supported by her arms, legs drawn up on the seat.

He had probably wakened her earlier. The faint memory of a nightmare clung to his subconscious, but it was the first time in a while where Grissom had woken up feeling rested and without images lingering behind that would haunt him for the rest of the day.

Grissom pushed the blanket away and swung his legs over the side of the bed as silently as he could. He spotted his clothes on the floor next to the armchair and reached for his pants.

"You're awake."

He stopped in mid-motion and looked up at Sara uncurling herself from the armchair. An almost guilty look passed over his face as if he had been caught at doing something he shouldn't.

"If you want to leave, you can."

He couldn't read any emotion in her flat tone and leaned back to sit upright, looking at her. "No."

Sara quietely regarded him for a moment and then got up, stretching in the process. "I'll get you a towel if you'd like to shower."

"I'd appreciate that." After a beat he added, " Sorry for waking you." He wanted to thank her too, but there was so much that a mere thank you seemed too trivial and belittling.

"It was time to get up anyways, don't worry." She walked into the hallway and returned with a towel for him. "I'll get some coffee going."

"Okay."

Grissom got up and took the towel, looking around the room for a moment.

"Bathroom's the first door to your right!" came her voice from the kitchen.

Smiling softly, he went to the bathroom and got the shower going. Letting the hot water run over him, he felt like the last remnants of tension were washed from him, disappearing down the drain with the water. He gave himself five minutes more than usual, in the process stealthily testing the various shampoos and shower gels Sara had to find the one whose scent he remembered from waking up. He felt utterly guilty at this childish behavior but couldn't deny evento himself that that it gave him a sense of almost happiness.

Towel wrapped firmly around him, he quickly made his way to the bedroom again, picking out the smell of coffee. He noticed how hungry he was as he looked for his clothes. Sara had laid them out on the bed - with an addition that made him smile.

**xxxxxxxx**

"I can't believe you kept that."

Sara turned from the eggs and milk she was stirring with a fork and looked at a decidedly better and more rested looking Grissom. Smiling, she took in the shirt he was wearing.

"What? It was a fun day. I kept it as a reminder."

"Fun except for the getting drenched part, you mean." Grissom walked barefoot over to a kitchen stool and sat down, hands running through his still damp hair.

"Oh, I'll never forget your wet puppy-dog look when that rainstorm caught us. I had warned you that theweather in San Francisco could be unpredictable."

"I'm sure you enjoyed getting me changed into that awful pink thing you insisted was the only shirt you had that would fit me."

Sara laughed and turned back to him. "Hey, it was go wet and die of pneumonia or wear a nice pink shirt." He had looked utterly ridiculous in it when she thought back to that afternoon. "And it _was_ the only thing that would have fit you."

Grissom raised an eyebrow at her. "I still don't believe you."

Pouring the eggs into the heated skillet, Sara got out two cups and filled them with coffee. She put on a mock-hurt face as she handed one to Grissom. "I saved your life and mistrust is all I get. Shocking."

Grissom just shook his head and took a sip. "Well, I think we established that pink is not my color."

"No, leave that to Greg." Sara snorted softly and got back to the eggs, stirring them. "You look better."

"I feel better, thanks to you." And it was true. Watching Sara stir the eggs and sipping his coffee, Grissom realized that he felt truly good. Their easy banter seemed almost natural. Not even the prospect of the tension at work that evening managed to sour his mood. "I'll have to swing by my place to change before going into work. I doubt I can show up with a faded Pink Floyd t-shirt."

"Speaking of work and to get serious for a momen," Sara turned to him. "You still haven't explained why I still have my job and Catherine got demoted for that."

Grissom stared at her. So much for the good mood.

* * *

TBC. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Title**: Inevitable  
**Author**: Frumpy  
**Rating**: T  
**Spoilers**: _King Baby_ again and a sort of mention of _Butterflied_. Like anyone hasn't seen that, yet.  
**Disclaimer**: Last I checked, I still didn't own CSI. Damn.

**A/N**: Oh god, the fluff. It's gotten to me... All G/S all the time.  
Thank you everyone for your continued reviews. GREATLY appreciated.

* * *

Chapter 13:

Grissom took a slow, measured sip of coffee to gain some seconds and sort the thoughts racing through his mind with lightning speed, trying to come up with a fitting response to Sara's question.

"What?"

Sara turned from him and went back to stirring the eggs she was preparing, turning them in the skillet and adding a pinch of salt and some spice Grissom couldn't see clearly. It was a convenient excuse to not face him directly.

"I know that Catherine got demoted so I wouldn't lose my job."

_Not again_. That was primarily on Grissom's mind. He had understood it coming from Catherine. Had expected it from her. But to hear the same coming from Sara did more than just surprise him. He recognized a pang of hurt at her words, but tried to explain it away with Sara having gone through some highly confusing days, probably only matched by what he had gone through. Still, that she could think that of him stung. Bad.

He lifted the coffee cup again to hide behind it. He could hardly fault her for not fully trusting him anymore after everything.

"You really think I would do something like that?"

Sara didn't give an immediate answer, instead distributing the scrambled eggs on two plates and placing two slices of bread in the toaster. After pushing the bread down, she turned to him. "I am not sure."

The cup in front of his face did a poor job of hiding the hurt she saw in his eyes and she immediately wanted to ammend her words.

"I would like not to, but I know what I heard."

Grissom gave up trying to hide and placed the cup on the breakfast counter, leaning back. If emotions got in the way, he had always retreated to cold logic, finding comfort and order in facts. Where could she have heard that from?

"Sara, who told you that?"

"Catherie."

Okay, screw logic. That didn't make any sense. "Catherine talked to you?"

"Well, no." She shifted her gaze and looked distinctly uncomfortable. "I kind of overheard it."

Ah, his little chat with Catherine. Still, that sounded distinctly un-Sara like. Not only the fact that she'd just accidentally overhear a conversation, but that she'd actually believe it. He raised an eyebrow in contemplation."You were in the lab."

Sara's look of uncomfort shifted to one of sheepishness that made her look incredibly young.

"I didn't mean to. I came there to talk to you, but you were having an, uh, talk with Catherine. And your door was open. I could not _not_ hear it." She shifted on her feet. "In a way, I mean. I left as soon as I realized that I was eavesdropping. Would you please stop looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"So... so smug." She emphasized her assessment with an annoyed gesture.

"I don't look smug." Grissom was struggling to not find this amusing. He realized he wasn't dreading this conversation as much as he had thought after all.

"Yes you do. And now you look like you're enjoying yourself on top of that. It's embarassing enough already."

"I'm sorry." He tried for a contrite expression, not sure if he succeeded fully. "It just seems so unlike you."

Sara only huffed and turned to the toast that had popped out. Placingone on each plate, she put one in front of Grissom then went back to get the butter.

"Sara, sit down."

She looked at him and the soft expression on his face. "I know, I know. Follow what cannot lie."

"Well yes." He watched her sit down opposite of him and proceeded to butter his toast.

"So how about you provide me with some facts to consider?" Sara took the opportunity to turn the conversation back to the topic she had wanted to talk about before it had wandered into uncomfortable territory. "How about you answer my question why I still have a job."

"No."

The forkful of egg paused midway between her plate and her mouth. "You're not going to answer me?"

Grissom put his toast down and rubbed his hands together, intertwining his fingers on top of the breakfast bar. "I meant no, I did not demote Catherine in order for you to keep your job."

"Okay." She waited, but as expected he didn't go on, instead putting some egg on his toast and taking a bite of it.

"Grissom." She pinned him with a glare.

He chewed for a moment, deciding how much to tell her. "Catherine's demotion had nothing to do with you. The Sheriff placed me in a position in which I had to make a choice and let's just say I wasn't ready to let either of you go."

"That sounds so politic of you." It was Sara's turn to raise an eyebrow.

"I suppose it was." He looked at her. "Look, I can't tell you everything. It's rather complicated."

She snorted. "When is it not?" Taking a bite from her own toast, she decided to not press him just now. There would be time. She just knew she wouldn't give up until she got the answers.

"I know that look." Grissom smirked. "You won't rest til you hear the whole story."

It surprised her a bit that Grissom could read her so well, but then he was a perceptive guy. Even if he usually only used it at work. She'd have to do some adjusting to the picture she had of Grissom, that apparently he only seemed clueless when he wanted people to think that.

"Okay, I'll tell you what I can or you won't let go, will you?"

Sara smiled. "Nope."

He only nodded. "As expected." He ate the last of his toast and pushed the plate away a bit, threading his fingers again. "Sheriff Burdick got his hands on some files that had, shall we say, interesting information about some high-profile people. You'll remember them. You and Nick logged them into evidence during the Eiger case." Grissom knew he didn't have to say any more, Sara's sharp mind was already making the connections.

She rememberd indeed. Files on Antwater and Braun. And Atwater was gone now. That left Braun. And while Sara didn't know the full story behind Braun and Catherine, she did know that there was some history between these two. Apparently Grissom knew more, but she didn't expect him to tell her, knowing he would never betray someone's confidence like that.

"Okay. That still does not explain what Catherine's demotion had to do with me." She watched him mull this over.

"It didn't have anything to do with you. Not directly."

"Grissom. I know you can't say much, but this is getting ridiculous. Burdick could still have fired me and demoted Catherine, you know that."

As much as he admired Sara's sharp mind, having it turned against him could be tricky. "That would have left the lab pretty short staffed, you know."

"You're more than capable of picking up the extra work, running Nightshift. And Sofia did get Swing already."

"Except, I wouldn't have been running the Nightshift."

Sara frowned. "I... that doesn't make sense. Why not?"

Grissom sighed. "I left Burdick no choice. Keep us all or lose us all. He wouldn't want _that_ PR disaster on his hands. He simply agreed with me."

_Lose us all_... Sara blinked and tried to make sense of that statement. He didn't... He couldn't.

"You threatened to leave?"

"In a way." Grissom shrugged slightly. It was as much as he was willing to say without revealing anything about Catherine or himself. "It was the only way I could see."

Sara still had an unbelieving look on her face. "You put your job on the line so I would keep mine?"

Okay, when she put it like that it really made Grissom uncomfortable. A whole new level of uncomfortable. That implicated way too much of what he wasn't ready to admit yet. Curse that brilliant mind of hers. So Grissom used his most powerful weapon - a blank face and silence.

Sara just gaped at him, considering all the implications. Foremost on her mind was another talk she had overheard a long time ago. There seemed to be a pattern, she thought wryly. That day had been like a slap in her face. _'I couldn't risk it.'_ Grissom could say it to a suspect but not to her face. Only now he had done it, he had risked it. Hadn't he?

She shifted her look from his clasped hands to his guarded face. He tried for his Grissom look, but she could see the discomfort in his eyes. Things were moving entirely too fast just now. And if she was feeling that way, Grissom must be ready to bolt.

Sara swallowed and decided to let him off the hook. For now. "I see. The lab needs me, right?"

Having his own words flung back at him had never felt that great before. Of course he knew that she was only giving him an out. And that this wouldn't be the last he'd hear of it. Too much had been left undsaid. But he guessed he had himself committed in a way. What was surprising, most of all to himself, was that he didn't feel sheer panic at that thought. Interesting. He'd have to think that over.

Grissom hadn't planned on revealing that tidbit to Sara, but now that it was out, he had to admit that it felt like a step in the right direction. As he had said to Sara, he was done collecting regrets.

So he just smiled at her and nodded, fully acknowledging that they both knew they were onlyplaying along with this little game. Glancing at the clock,he noticedthat it was time to get going if he wanted to change before work.

Sara followed his line of sight. "I guess you better get going."

"Yeah. Thanks for breakfast."

Sara was glad in a way that she'd have time to think about everything that had been said today. She'd have two weeks actually. "You're welcome."

"What did you put on the eggs?"

"Nutmeg."

"Hmm. Beats the fireants I put on mine." He slid off the barstool and started to walk to the bedroom.

Sara scrunched up her face. "I don't think I've ever been this glad before to be a vegetarian."

Grissom stopped halfway through the living room and turned around. "It's quite good. Really."

"I believe you. I do." She got up and carried the plates to the sink. "No need to prove it to me." She heard him chuckle before he disappeared down the hall, probably to get his shoes.

She had put the butter and bread away by the time he came back fully dressed.

"I'll run by my house before going into work." Scratching his beard lightly, he decided what to say. "Thank you. For everything. And I'd like to repay you some day with a breakfast invitation."

Sara smiled and walked to the door with him. "I'll take you up on that offer." Small steps were fine by her. They were the most comfortable with each other they had probably ever been. And while Sara didn't want to get her hopes up for nothing, not again, things did indeed look better than in a long while. She was willing to see where this might lead, at the same time not willing to be the one to initiate anything anymore. It was up to Grissom.

Opening the door, he turned around halfway through. "And it's not only the lab that needs you."

With that he was gone and Sara could only stare after him, wondering if she'd really heard that. The fireants must have gotten to his head.

* * *

TBC. 


End file.
